Tightpants

I'm really not down with skinny jeans. As LC Weber of TSS says, "I. Cannot. Vibe." I will readily admit that recently my taste has moved further away from baggy jeans as my preference in shoes has moved closer to Nike SBs and loafers. However, I will never be comfortable with the manhood-embracing denim that is the skinny jean.

I went to buy some "work" jeans (read: jeans I can wear with SBs and loafers) during tax-free weekend, and I had the complete misfortune to accidentally kill some future children by uknowingly pulling on a pair of "slim fit" jeans. Previously unbeknownst to me, "slim fit" is code for "tight enough for the whole world to see exactly what size UPS package you're shipping". As soon as I pulled the baby-killing cotton creations up my legs, I realized that there was a serious problem. As the pants migrated up my legs, I realized that this relationship was destined to fail. Just for laughs, I decided to pull the pants completely on and have a look in the mirror. The image that faced me chilled me to the core.

I was wearing skinny jeans.

I peeled the repulsive clothes item off me as quickly as I could, and twenty minutes later was out the changing room door, handing the jeans to the store assistant with the simple explanation: "they--they were just too slim-fit for me." I managed to acquire suitably loose-fitting SB and loafer-appropriate jeans, and escaped the haven for the tight as soon as I could.

When I first became aware of the skinny jean blitzkrieg, I dismissed it as nothing but a stupid year-long fad that would soon fade into the realm of parachute pants, high-top fades and turtlenecks (which are in fact making their comeback with one man at Davidson). In the words of an anonymous tightpants advocate: "no jeans too skinny". That assertion, however bold it may be, is in fact a fallacy. Skinny jeans are just too skinny for my manhood.

While prancing about in skintight denim tubes is the willing choice of many, my masculinity and pride in myself would never allow me to wear skinny jeans. Maybe, as LC noted, I am too old to understand why tightpants are cool. Maybe it's just the fact that the skinnies coupled with regular-sized shirts and jackets give the comical illusion of a man wearing a dress with tights. Maybe I like being able to pull my pants on and off without wincing and cupping my uncuppables. Maybe skinny jeans are just stupid. I just know I won't be caught in them.