Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Toddler Warfare

33. That's the number of 5 year olds I can take in a fight according to a recent survey. If it really came down to it, I think I could take on over 50. I have no problem picking up a doe-eyed, recently weaned adolescent, barely out of diapers, swinging him/her over my head and taking out wave after wave of indefatigable milk-munchers. Imagine the visceral thrill of bowling a whimpering, simpering toddler into 15 other rabid, charging munchkins with only your bodily harm on their pre-pubescent minds. If it came down to it, I believe anyone could take their fair share of 5 year olds. And some of us would enjoy it.

I'm not saying I'm going to walk into the grocery store and uppercut the first small child I see tottering through the cereal aisle. However, if there are 45 of them with gap-toothed snarls brandishing bottles of milk and Batman toys, I have no qualms with seizing the nearest waif I see and hurling him bodily into the group, following it with a Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson-esque leap.

I'm just saying. It could be fun.

1 comment:

Mr. Pibba said...

hahaha, classic, dude!

I'm gonna keep following from near-equatorial internet cafes, surrounded by people who, fully grown, are just larger than American tots. If I'm attacked, I'll report back how many I successfully repelled.