Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Warfare Pt. III


This is the third edition of my series waging imaginary war against very real, very tangible and defenseless creatures. Disclaimer: as stated in the previous posts, no animals were harmed in the writing of this post. Unless your cuddly animal, cat or 5-year-old decides to bump into me when I'm in a bad mood, they're probably safe.

Today's war will be waged against bunny rabbits. Yes, bunny rabbits. The sweet, vegetable-munching, beta-carotene ODers over which every animal activist and pretty girl seems to go ballistic. I am taking the torch from the Save Toby pioneers and carrying it myself for no fee. To pull all my thoughts together, I'm talking about kicking the fluff out of cute, cuddly bunny rabbits on a regular basis. Here's a sample scenario:

A few days ago I decided to enjoy a half-day in the forest during the weekend in order to enjoy nature and have a healthy snack while taking in the pleasant sensual bombardment that is the great outdoors. I spread a beautiful blanket sewn from Siamese cat fur in a clearing and decided to lie on my back and enjoy the sunshine that danced through the dense forest growth. As the light played about my features, I happened to catch a glimpse of a small, plump rabbit quietly observing me from the verdant undergrowth nearby.

I reached into my bag, pulling out a fresh bag of carrots I keep on hand for times such as this. Beckoning slowly to the little animal, I gently placed a carrot two yards away from my person and stepped back to give the Bugs Bunny look-a-like his space. Boldly, the tiny mammal raced up to the carrot and began to attack it with aplomb. Within the space of 60 seconds, the vegetable was gone, and the rabbit surreptitiously burped (an action I previously understood to be mainly a human feature). Wanting to test my limits without scaring the little creature, I dropped another carrot even closer to my feline-pelt domain and without pause, the rabbit seized it, devouring it even quicker than the first.

The greedy little lagomorph gazed up at me without fear, a pious look plastering its features. My heart was moved by the beauty of the situation, so my next step was clear. I stood upright, holding a carrot out at arms length, urging the rabbit to jump. I prepared myself, muscles loose but at the ready, and whistled for the creature to make his move. Suddenly, the bunny leaped, jaws outstretched for the waiting carrot and WHAM! I connected solidy with the rabbit's pliable ribcage. He flew squealing through the air, the perfect contact of my sublime side volley propelling him at air speeds previously unknown to rabbitkind. The rabbit's rapid trajectory was halted suddenly by the appearance of a massive oak tree, at which time, by all accounts, his life was extinguished immediately.

Satisfied by my forest excursion, I momentarily celebrated my mammalian "goal", packed up my things and returned to city life where I await my next foray into the woods in search of defenseless victims.

1 comment:

aht4005 said...

you wild as shit son! hahahahaha